As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been afraid to do what I truly wanted to do, and what I truly felt was best for myself. A large part of this fear was based around the need I felt to mitigate and avoid conflict. It was always easier to go along with what others wanted for me than to assert myself, until it would become more harmful to myself and my well-being to stay quiet, and I would be forced to finally speak up.
There have been times when I’ve been able to overcome this life-long behavioural pattern. Starting this blog was one of those points. I have always wanted this site to be a platform for expressing myself openly and honestly, with nothing hidden out of shame or fear. I wanted my writing to bring reassurance to others, through shared experience, that they are not alone in their struggles, and that there is always hope, always room to move forward, always room to build joy.
Sometimes things happen in life that lead us back to old behaviour patterns we’ve done our best to overcome. This is what happened to me in the last couple of months. One thing or another occurred, and I found myself falling back into that need to mitigate conflict at all costs. My choices were based on fear.
Unfortunately, this pattern has had spillover effects on my blog. The need to avoid conflict led to a decrease in the open honest discussion which this site was founded upon.
Out of this situation arose two things:
A heavy desire to take a prolonged break from this blog, in order to reassess and solidify what direction I wanted to take things in (along with giving my tired mind a much needed break from the considerable behind-the-scenes time commitment this blog requires).
The overwhelming fear that if I took this break, there would be awful consequences. My blog is relatively new. My readership would abandon me. It would be like starting over from scratch. All of my hard work and long hours in the last five months would be for nothing.
So I continued on with my regular posting schedule while secretly being disappointed with the quality of my work, and the draining effect it was having (compounded by the continued original struggles with fear in the rest of my life) on my mental, emotional, and in turn physical, well-being.
Then yesterday, this popped up in my twitter feed:
and reminded me of this:
Fear Choice vs. Love Choice. Which will you choose? – by Alexandra Franzen
and I knew then what I needed to do.
I need some time to step back from regular posting. Time to simplify. Reorganize. So that I can focus more on the work involved in becoming as healthy as possible. So that I can come back and forge ahead in a more clear and powerful direction.
I am choosing to make a choice out of love, not fear.
I am trusting that at least some of the people who have stuck with me through these last few months will continue to do so. That in fact, some of these people will not only stick by me through this hiatus, but will be excited to see what comes out on the other side of it.
So here’s the plan:
The length of this hiatus is undetermined. I would like to leave it at approximately one month, but ultimately I am going to do what is best for me, and for my ability to produce a quality site which is in line with my passions and my beliefs. If this means taking a little longer, I’m going to take a little longer.
I will still be active on Twitter, and to a slightly lesser extent, my other social media sites. I’ll still be around. I will be sure to update you on my blog’s status, as well as any other projects I’ll be undertaking. You can still talk to me. And I’ll still see your work. I need to take a step back, but I also want to maintain the connections I’ve built and grown to cherish.
So thank you, all of you, for your continued understanding and support.
May you always choose love for yourself so that you may follow what’s in your heart, and may there always be amazing people like Alexandra Franzen to remind us of the path we deserve to walk.
With love, always and forever,